Cher McGillivray: How to beat the back-to-school blues as parents experience rise in ‘school refusal’

Returning to school can be scary and anxiety-provoking for many children and in recent years, there’s been an increase in parents experiencing “school refusal” — the persistent reluctance of a child to attend school.

This not only distresses children but also takes a toll on parents’ and caregivers’ physical and mental wellbeing, as they worry about missed learning, socialisation, and long-term consequences.

The good news? Listening to your child, validating their feelings, and fostering a sense of safety can help ease their transition.

Research shows anxiety is the most common mental health problem faced by children, impacting up to one in three. A 2017 study of youths with anxiety disorders found two-thirds reported feeling anxious at school.

For some children, this is because returning to school means a prolonged period of facing uncertainty and threat — whether that’s from potential bullying, their perceived inability to cope with the school environment or separation from their caregivers and home environments, and this leads to psychological distress.

While remote learning offers benefits like flexible pacing and tailored styles, it isn’t ideal for everyone.

So what can parents do?

Active listening

By actively listening to your child, this helps to acknowledge their feelings, make them feel safe and validated and allows them to feel more connected to their parents.

It also means listening without judgment and connecting with them before jumping to solutions. You could showcase this by responding minimally with encouragement to continue such as “yes, I see” or even with silence and paraphrasing what you have heard to check for accuracy of their feelings and facts.

Bad feelings are OK

When a child is feeling sad or angry or disappointed it’s entirely natural for a parent to want to take that emotional pain away. However, this can lead to a child interpreting sadness and frustration as negative and internalising those feelings.

Research tells us that having the chance to express negative emotions in a compassionate and safe way is vital for our emotional intelligence development.

Helping your child sit with disappointment and frustration and being present in their grief helps to move through it. Let them know that what they are feeling is valid, that you understand, and that they are safe.

Get to the crux of it

Have the conversations with your child that aim to really understand the source of their difficulty.

It’s not uncommon for parents, faced with a child in pain, to minimise the impact on their child and themselves, or become overbearing and over-protective.

Neither strategy will teach our children or ourselves) to assert boundaries, making us more prone to chronic stress. The inability to express grief or say no, affects mental health and weakens the immune system, resulting in stress responses.

So be curious, understand their “no” and help them be seen, heard and valued and find ways to help them come up with a path forward.

Help them view their anxiety and fears as shadows and contours in the beautiful kaleidoscope of life, providing the edges they can rise upon like wings, rather than weights too heavy to bear.

Involve them in solutions

Ask your child whether they have ideas to help them cope.

For example, if they are anxious on the drive to school, making a playlist with their favourite power songs could help calm them, or perhaps even building a box of their favourite gadgets or toys to play with on the way. It might also involve making a plan to meet up with their friends at school or planning something fun after school.

Routine can be helpful

Help them to prepare and gain a sense of familiarity by establishing a routine. This might involve making a routine chart and rehearsing the school run.

Ask your child to think of everything to prepare for the first day to help them feel in control. Take them shopping for school supplies and prepare their clothes for the first day.

Have a plan for dealing with stress

The ability to simply take some time out if a child is feeling overwhelmed or anxious during class can be very helpful.

It may be worth asking the school to supply a ‘hall pass’ that allows them to leave the classroom for a moment to relax and regulate their emotions, get a cool drink and connect with themselves before reconnecting with the class.

Some children can also benefit from carrying a small token that helps them connect with their happy place.

It might be a drawing or picture of something they love doing or seeing, or a small object in their pocket that reminds them they are safe and directs their mind towards something that brings them a sense of happiness or joy.

Dr Cher McGillivray is a clinical psychologist and Assistant Professor of Psychology at Bond University’s Faculty of Society and Design