opinion
Andrew Miller: The best way to avoid the yearly arguments with family this Christmas

God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay. So, the merry women will have to stay up organising gifts, food, water, wine and feelings? Cheeses Christ. Will the oven and fridge be big enough? Can relatives on Ozempic — surely he must be! — still eat Brussels sprouts? Can we get them to bring a dish despite insisting they come to our place this year? Jesus plays deep second fiddle to Santa Claus these days. I wonder what he would make of these eponymous celebrations while Palestine lies once more in ruins. Would he want an iPhone for his birthday, to dash out a viral version of the sermon on the Mount for TikTok? “The golden rule is do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. If unsure, maybe just don’t do unto others at all. Like and subscribe for more fairly obvious moral advice that is often sadly ignored.” Hopefully the Holy Father of the Old Testament might get around to smiting social media and its owners into pillars of salt in the new year. Meantime the Holy Spirit might be pitching a collaboration with a distillery. “Trinity Gin — for those who like their pure monotheistic spirits to present unironic tripartite manifestations.” Before you accuse me of blasphemy — Lord knows you would not be wrong — consider whether the merchants are more welcome in the temples — and the Labor party — these days than the sick and downtrodden folks that Jesus championed. And yet. There is no occasion other than Christmas — 2024 years later — that brings as many Australian families and friends together. It certainly provokes unparalleled wonder and excitement among six-year-olds. It is a lovely privilege for this old Scrooge to be caught up in the magnificent pre-disillusionment innocence in our house. Of course, bringing families together is sometimes a double-edged sword, but just showing up and making gravy can be enough to erase a whole host of crimes. Maybe they can be difficult people, but they are our difficult people. Are they not just like us after all? It’s best to focus on something that unites — the food. To start the day, try toasted sandwiches — crispy bacon, shiny scrambled-eggs and butter with chilli flakes and coriander, served with home-made proper coffee. Better already. When you live in the northern hemisphere the longest school holidays are unfairly free of mandatory get-togethers. As one of my children once pithily observed, “we can’t go away all summer because some of the grandparents are still alive.” No arguments allowed before lunch, so slap some awkward sunscreen on and head to the beach early, to avoid the fine for parking on the median strip. The cold and salty baptismal plunge only counts in the eyes of God if your head goes fully under water. Any dog that you bring must anoint the car with wet sand. Lunch is roasted turkey roll with pistachio — sliced and diced, then seasoned for serving on crisp lettuce leaves with rice noodles and cranberry sauce — a cheeky san choy bow. Sides of prawns, roast veggies with proper gravy, and a wild rice, pomegranate, and roast garlic salad. Open gifts during lunch, to divert the conversation from intergenerational provocations like house prices, or whether Peter Dutton running nuclear offence against renewables is worse than Anthony Albanese not running much at all. Family debating is futile. What are the chances of shifting someone’s paradigm when they see you can’t even play totem tennis against yourself without missing the ball? Concentrate briefly on where we agree, rather than where we don’t. Official health advice is to finish with warm pudding of choice, melting thick cream and custard gelato — to stuff any lonely crevices in your magnificently distended tummy. Lay on the couch. Just for one short day it’s fine to hug a lot, argue less, eat what you like — and let nothing ye dismay.

opinionAndrew Miller: The best way to avoid the yearly arguments with family this Christmas

opinion
Andrew Miller: The best way to avoid the yearly arguments with family this Christmas