16 Days in WA: Domestic violence survivor Roia Atmar to speak of experience at Monday’s business breakfast

A Perth woman set alight by her abusive partner says fear of being culturally insensitive should not stop people from offering help to women they suspect may be in an abusive relationship. Roia Atmar believes her lack of English, headscarf and identity as a Muslim woman stopped people from asking if she was OK during her abusive marriage, which started when she was just 14 and brought to Australia from Pakistan by her now ex-husband. Ms Atmar, who will share her story at a 16 Days in WA business breakfast on Monday, said she wished someone had intervened sooner and risked offending her. “One of the biggest things, I think, when it comes to women from different cultures and backgrounds is not to let culture, religion or lifestyle stop us from asking those questions or offering help,” she told The West Australian. “I know very strongly in my case, the reason that I was never approached or asked if I was OK or needed help was because I didn’t speak English very well, I was wearing a scarf, I came from a Muslim background so they just presumed that I must be OK with it. “And sometimes people don’t want to offend: we live in a multicultural country, where we’re supposed to respect other people’s cultures and we don’t want to offend one another. “I would rather someone had offended my culture and religion and asked me if I was OK than to have respected that and let me go through what I went through.” Ms Atmar was eventually offered help after her then-husband poured turpentine on her and set her alight while she was holding their baby daughter. At the hospital, he claimed the fire was accidental but a social worker asked Ms Atmar the right questions and explained that help was available to her. Ms Atmar’s ex-husband was eventually found guilty of grievous bodily harm and sentenced to 12 years jail. He was paroled after five years. She said many women in her position assumed they would lose their children if they left their husband and did not always know that domestic abuse was a crime. “Half of asking for help is knowing that it is available,” she said. “I came here when I was 14: I wasn’t allowed to go to school or watch TV or have friends. All my life was controlled by him. “I lived here for nearly six years and I had no idea that police got involved with what happened between a husband and a wife. “Migrant women, a lot of us, come from countries where the laws are different, the system is different. In those countries, when the law breaks down the father automatically gets the children. “Knowing how the system works, knowing what services are available is half the battle.” Ms Atmar now works with fellow victim-survivors and said her background meant she was able to explain to some women that the abuse they suffered was not just part of their culture or religion. “If I have an Afghan client coming to me and they use the culture or religion card I can say, well, that’s not actually true,” she said. “There’s been a lot of people who I’ve seen, victims, who have this false belief and only after you discuss it do they say, oh, that’s not what he says.” Ms Atmar shares her traumatic story to encourage other women to come forward and to offer hope for the “amazing lives” that await them on the other side. “The reason I’m still living and breathing and having a life and my children are living their best life is because of the people who caught on what was happening at that time and they offered support,” she said. “One of the biggest reasons why it’s important to be part of that is, we hear about family and domestic violence and how horrible it is, how disgusting it is… but we hardly ever see how good life can be when victims get out of that abusive relationship, when support is provided for them. “They have such amazing lives and I want anyone who goes through what I went through to see and know they’re not alone and I did it and they can do it.” For help with family or domestic violence call 1800 737 732 Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline 1800 007 339 Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline 1800 000 599